Idiosyncratic Moments
by gatogirl1
Summary: Naruto (the character) and Naruto (the anime) have their moments of idiocy. Some of these are just so funny (or are so easily twisted around) that I had to turn them into one-shots and make fun of them...ever heard of Simon Birch?
1. Default Chapter

gatogirl1: Hee hee! Here's one of those outtake like moments. Can't you just see this happening? ^_^ If not, GO WATCH EPISODE 10 AGAIN! Then you'll see...I'm right. I'm always right! Mua hahahahahhahaha!  
  
myakarnin: kowaii...and i thought i was the scary one...  
  
gatogirl1: Hey! Well, I thought this was kinda funny, but it's pretty late. Tell me what you think! Laugh a little!  
  
Don't own Naruto either. But I'm handling it. He is a little young for me...I normally go for older guys.  
  
/ / /  
  
/ / /  
  
Forest of Chakra  
  
"Well, me talking all day isn't going to accomplish anything..." Kakashi- sensai's voice dwindled down from his usual lecturing tone. "This is something you'll have to learn by doing."  
  
Three kunai sliced through the air, embedding themselves in the dirt at the feet of his three young genin. "Use those kunai to mark how high you make it up the tree. Then, use that mark as your goal and try to surpass it." Kakashi paused for a breath, trying to think of anything he'd forgotten in his explanation. "You guys won't be good enough to just walk up the tree at first. So get some momentum and try to run up the tree. Got it?"  
  
"This training is nothing to me!" bragged Naruto as he plucked up a kunai, "I could do it before breakfast! Cuz I'm the most improved!"  
  
"Enough bragging...Hurry up! Pick a tree and climb it!" Kakashi's stern voice commanded.  
  
Pink, blonde and midnight heads nodded, then bowed with concentration as the three genin gathered needed chakra to their feet for the exercise. Simultaneously, their heads lifted and they flung themselves headlong/forward at a run.  
  
CRASH! BOINK!! WHACK!!!  
  
Kakashi sighed from his upside-down position on the tree limb, then called down to the three unconscious forms of his pupils. "It would probably better if you didn't use the same tree though..." 


	2. Ibiki! Stop goofing around on the set!

Ha HA! Hooray for the weekend! Hooray for sleeping in! Hooray for a weekend off work! And hooray for creative juices that start flowing at 11:30 on said weekends! This is for names who reviewed my first chapter. Muchas gracias everybodies!  
  
I may not own Naruto, but I do have this totally clutch Mardi Gras mask mi amiga got for me from New Orleans...  
  
Ibiki! Stop goofing off on set!  
  
-by gatogirl1  
  
. . . 

Take 1:  
  
"But...those who cheat poorly...fail, of course." Morino Ibiki glared down sternly at the seated genin. "Because, at times, information is more important that life. On missions and on the battlefield, people risk their lives! Just to get their hands on it!"  
  
As he finished saying this, Morino Ibiki pulled his forehead protector and bandana fully off, exposing his head. Revealing...  
  
...a Mohawk?!?  
  
The class stared at Ibiki with a mixture of horror and amazement. "How do you get your Mohawk to fit under your bandana and still look perfect when you take it off?" one oft the genin stuttered in awe.  
  
"Yeah!" another stunned student spoke up. "What kind of gel do you use? I mean, I always use Elmer's glue, but it isn't even close to whatever you use."  
  
"Ooops," Ibiki laughed sheepishly. "Make-up!"

...

Take 2: 

"But...those who cheat poorly...fail, of course." Morino Ibiki "Because, at times information is more important that life. On missions and on the battlefield, people risk their lives! Just to get their hands on it!"  
  
Morino Ibiki pulled his forehead protector and bandana fully off, revealing his head. Exposing...  
  
...a bald forehead covered in marker! The whole class sat stunned for a moment, before bursting out laughing at the sight of the proud jounin with "Kiss me, I'm Irish", bright red lips, and a pink flower colored onto his pale skinned head.  
  
Ibiki scowled, rubbing at the markings. "That's the last time I give my kids markers..." he grumbled beneath the laughter.  
  
...

Take 6: 

Morino Ibiki pulled his forehead protector and bandana fully off, revealing his head. Exposing...  
  
...nothing. Just his pasty bald forehead.  
  
Naruto nudged Hinata on his right. "Just what are we supposed to be looking at?" he whispered to the quiet girl. Hinata shrugged, confused.  
  
"MAKE-UP!" yelled the frustrated Ibiki.

...

Take 20: 

Morino Ibiki pulled his forehead protector and bandana fully off.  
  
But as the forehead protector fell away, his face and clothing fell away as well, the disguise falling limp on the ground at his feet. Where Morino Ibiki once poised so proudly in front of the genin now stood...  
  
...Naruto in his Sexy no Jutsu.  
  
The whole room facefaulted, with all the males (all save Sasuke and maybe Gaara) flying out of their seats and slamming against the back wall due to the sheer force of their nosebleeds.  
  
The well-endowed Naruto grinned at the now-anemic male population, blowing a kiss to them. "You all fail!" he shouted triumphantly.

...

Take 21: 

Morino Ibiki started pulling his forehead protector off...  
  
"Hey wait a second!" shouted a confused Naruto, who was now back behind his desk, fully male. "I don't get it! Why didn't Sasuke or Gaara crumble under my Sexy no Jutsu? No one can resist it...even Hokage no jii-san!"  
  
Sasuke and Gaara blushed ever so slightly, going unnoticed by the blonde baka. Ibiki smirked knowingly then coughed for everyone's attention. "Can we please just get this scene done?"  
  
...

Many hours later...Take 48 

"Because, at times information is more important that life. On missions and on the battlefield, people risk their lives! Just to get their hands on it!" With that, the bandana and small piece of steel slipped from his head, flashing the class with a tattoo: I Love You Uzumaki Naruto. Marry Me?  
  
The entire room gasped in horror.  
  
"That's right!" Ibiki proudly declared to his audience. "As seen in all the cliché 'Naruto' fanfics, I have realized that because of my seriously depraved childhood and horrible experiences from my youth, I must tell the world that I am in love with Uzumaki Naruto! Naruto!" Naruto flinched under the unblinking, yet strangely passionate, stare of the scarred jounin. "I love you! Come with me, away from all these lesser creatures who don't deserve your love!"  
  
"Aww, heck no!" shouted Sasuke, slamming his hands down on his desk in a display of emotion so out of character that it would only be seen in a yaoi fanfic such as this. "Naruto is mine!"  
  
Gaara's cold stare shot right back in the Chunin examiner's face. "My childhood has been far more deprived than yours," he coldly stated, slowly getting to his feet in the totally clutch way that only he could pull off. "My life has been emptier of love than a bowl of Ramen after Naruto's been all over it. Plus, the fact that he and I have lived with the prejudice against the demons that inhabit our bodies makes us that much more similar- to the point where we are soul mates. I deserve Naruto's love more than any of you!"  
  
With a snarl, Sasuke pulled out a kunai and leapt out of his seat. Morino also pulled out a kunai and leapt up to meet Sasuke in the air. Seconds later, Gaara propelled himself up with sand and joined the midair cat- fight. Their steel crashed together with a clang, shattering the stunned silence of the rest of the room.  
  
Wails of "I wanted Naruto!" echoed throughout the room, turning into heated debates between the male team members. Sakura sat back, turning to Ino with a grin of contentment on her face. "Hey Ino! All we need in here is a pit of chocolate syrup and I'd be set for life!"  
  
Ino laughed back, also clearly enjoying the spectacle. "Maybe some strawberries too...Ano, Sakura? Let's put all our days of fighting over Sasuke behind our backs and be best friends again, okay?"  
  
"Ino!" Sakura jumped up from her seat and ran towards her friend, arms wide open and tears flowing from her eyes. "Let's also make a promise never to fight over something stupid again! And you can come to my birthday party!" Ino also ran towards the pink-haired genin, arms extended. But because neither took into effect the speed that the other was traveling at, they crashed into each other and fell unconscious in the middle of a room full of battling genin.  
  
Back on the other side of the room, Ibiki had been knocked out by a blow from a fist of sand. Now Gaara and Sasuke were sitting cross-legged, having an earnest discussion and trying to resolve their differences through nonviolence. "That's it!" Sasuke smiled at Gaara with uncharacteristic and extremely sudden friendliness. "We can share Naruto! He'll be able to heal both of our twisted and severely messed up minds! We can even have a threesome at my place- I'm sure I've got a bed big enough somewhere!" The two fell to hugging to seal their newly created deal and friendship.  
  
And somewhere, hidden under their desk, Hinata and Naruto sat peeking out at the carnage and horror all around them. Hinata couldn't have asked for a better scenario if she had planned it herself. In a moment of bravery that normally wouldn't be seen for at least another twenty episodes, Hinata threw herself at Naruto and liplocked herself to him.  
  
...

Off the set on stage right, Kakashi and Iruka watched with resignation the mess that had once been the Chuunin exam. With a shrug, they turned away from the carnage and went frolicking in the sun together.

...  
  
...maybe that last one was a mite over the top...but once I started typing, it all just flowed out...probably could have kept it going for a long time too. [Shivers] Kowaii...  
  
Hope I made you laugh; I thought they were funny when I wrote them...Morino Ibiki builds up such a moment before he pulls off his forehead protector. I thought it would be fun to diffuse the situation a bit; you know, lighten the mood. Tell me what you think, por favor!  
  
Translation: Clutch, or saying something is 'clutch'- a word/phrase my sisters and I are trying to bring into everyday use. Generally means incredibly cool or unbelievably sexy, depending on the context. 


	3. Watch out for Snakes!

If I owned Naruto, I would have written all the guys a bit older; then I could've enjoyed them more... [lecherous grin] Too bad they're all only 12 or so. And Kiba's hair is so fun...I want to rumple it around...  
  
. . .  
  
Watch out for Snakes!  
  
-by gatogirl1

  
  
"SPIT ME OUT!" yelled Naruto, poking the snake's innards with a kunai. "Kuso! No good," he sighed, then reached for his waist pouch. "Do I have anything?" His fingers closed on something and he pulled it out to inspect it. A Styrofoam cup full of instant-just-add-hot-water-noodle-goodness. "Oh, my ramen for lunch."  
  
A sudden shift in the snake's body' caused the Cup Ramen to fall out of his hand and further down the digestive tube of the giant snake. Naruto could only watch in horror as his beloved food was melted away by the digestive enzymes and swept away by the other sticky fluids around.  
  
"Oh heck no, you did not just do that!" Naruto's voice was uncharacteristically soft, but dangerously so. He clenched up his face teeth bared and eyes fast shut. His fist slowly tightened around his kunai, until...  
  
Crack!  
  
The kunai broke under the sheer pressure of Naruto's hand. His eyes flew open, his once blue eyes now burning with a fiery crimson light. His hands uncurled, revealing claws at the tips of his fingers.  
  
"If you're not going to spit me out, I'll make you!" Naruto's voice built up from its earlier softness. "You'll pay for ever messing with my Ramen! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrroah!" With a shout, Naruto pushed the snake away from his body.  
  
Outside, the snake sat calmly perched on a branch. Moments later, it's midsection expanded, and then burst as the red-eyed Naruto leapt out from its belly.  
  
"You hear me?!" Naruto snarled angrily at the dead snake. "No one messes with Uzumaki Naruto's Ramen and lives!"  
  
. . .  
  
This was how this scene originally was going to play out[I like to think], but the writers decided that they didn't want Kyuubi to leak out until there were other people around to watch the change in Naruto... If I made you laugh, tell me! 


	4. It's all About the Entrance

It's all About the Entrance- Episode 65

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Take 1:  
  
Naruto looked around. "Hey, where's Sasuke?"  
  
"The Dosu guy that's supposed to fight me isn't here either," Shikamaru shrugged with his usual nonchalance.  
  
"Hey you two." The examiner's voice cut into their musings. "Stop walking around. Stand up straight and show your faces to the crowd."  
  
Around them, the crowd continued cheering for the handful of genin gathered there. Naruto did a double take; he hadn't really realized that they'd been the objects of so many people's attention. Nor had he expected anyone to actually cheer for him once he was there. Having Kyuubi sealed inside himself, he'd thought...  
  
Who cared what he'd thought before?! People were cheering for him now and that was all that mattered. Naruto smiled his trademark-idiot grin at the enthusiastic fans, basking in the glory of the moment, when...  
  
Wham!

The doors opposite the competing genin burst open. Standing in the doorway, halo-ed by brilliant light that formed a golden aura around him, was Sasuke. Heavens opened; angels sang; fangirls fainted.  
  
The crowd went silent from their raucous chanting.  
  
The dark figure slowly, yet ever so confidently, strode out across the floor of the theater's basin, every step measured and collected. Not a single emotion could be seen across his face, not even the smirking arrogance that normally resided there.  
  
Halfway across the stadium grounds, Sasuke tripped, falling flat on his face.  
  
The crowd silently gasped in horror... ...then burst out laughing at the fallen Uchiha warrior. Even the ever stoic Gaara had broken his usual emotionless to face crack up at the now-dust- covered avenger.  
  
"That's it; I'm teleporting in next time," Sasuke muttered angrily to himself as he stood and brushed the dirt off. 

.

.

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Take 8:  
  
The middle of the stadium exploded in a flash of wind and greenery. Naruto held an arm to shield his face from the flying debris. And when it settled...  
  
"I knew we took the wrong portkey!" Hermione primly told the two flabbergasted wizards at her side.  
  
Ron blushed. "How were we supposed to know one boot from the other? It's not like there's a sign that says: Take this portkey to get to the Quidditch Stadium! Besides, how come you didn't say anything about it earlier?"  
  
Hermione faltered for a moment.  
  
"I'm sure we'll get out of this somehow," Harry reasoned with the arguing couple. "Let's ask these people where we are and if they can help us find our way back." At their nods of agreement, Harry stepped forward to the nearest person staring flabbergasted at their group. "Excuse me," he politely asked the strangely dressed-all-in-orange blonde. "Where is this?"  
  
Naruto blinked. Who in the world were these kids and what language were they speaking? He just stared, confused, at the slowly approaching boy.  
  
Other people from the crowd weren't so confused in their feelings...or forgiving.  
  
"You ruined the moment!" One "I Love Uchiha" sign-waving fan screamed at the intruders. "How dare you burst in before Sasuke-kun and break the serious mood we had going here?!?" More fans stood, yelling similar cries. Down in the stadium, the three young wizards looked fearfully up at a suddenly dangerous looking mob.  
  
"Get them!" Terrified in the face of the fury of so many angry fangirls, Harry, Hermione, and Ron turned tail and ran for their lives.

.

.

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Take 18:  
  
The match's presiding jounin looked down at his watch, letting the final seconds pass before slowly saying what the entire stadium dreaded hearing. "About the final match...time is up, so..."  
  
An explosion of greenery and wind forced the jounin to pause in his words. The dust quickly settled, leaving a swirl of leaves dancing around the back- to-back figures of the very late Kakashi and his student. The jounin had to bite back a smile; figures they'd try to make some sort of grand entrance- it was only too bad that the Uchiha was picking up on some of his sensai's bad habits...  
  
He stepped towards the pair. "Name?"  
  
The genin turned to face him. "Bond. James Bond."

.

.

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Take 19:  
  
The match's presiding jounin looked down at his watch, letting the final seconds pass before slowly saying what the entire stadium dreaded hearing. "About the final match...time is up, so..."  
  
The middle of the stadium exploded in a flash of wind and greenery. Naruto held an arm to shield his face from the flying debris. And when it settled, it revealed the last two members of Team 7.  
  
"Name?" The examiner looked towards the midnight haired boy.  
  
Sasuke took a breath. "I'm...aww, kuso! What was my line?"

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Take 20:  
  
The match's presiding jounin looked down at his watch, letting the final seconds pass before slowly saying what the entire stadium dreaded hearing. "About the final match...time is up, so..."  
  
The middle of the stadium exploded in a flash of wind and greenery. Naruto held an arm to shield his face from the flying debris. And when it settled, it revealed the last two members of Team 7.  
  
"Name?" The examiner looked towards the midnight haired boy.  
  
Sasuke looked around blankly. "Kuso! I know this!"  
  
Naruto growled under his breath as the director shouted, "CUT!"

[Many hours later...] 

Take 54:  
  
The match's presiding jounin looked down at his watch, letting the final seconds pass before slowly saying what the entire stadium dreaded hearing. "About the final match...time is up, so..."  
  
The middle of the stadium exploded in a flash of wind and greenery. Naruto held an arm to shield his face from the flying debris. And when it settled, it revealed the last two members of Team 7.  
  
"Name?" The examiner looked towards Kakashi's student, who was strangely dressed in tight black leather and silver chains. Had there been a costume change?  
  
Sasuke smiled over at Naruto with his 'I'm-so-sexy-smile'. "You can call me whatever you wanted," he purred, strutting over to the blonde's side and latching onto his arm. "As long as you call me..." he all but whispered into Naruto's ear.  
  
Naruto returned the sexy look, halfway lidding his eyes to hide his not-as- innocent-as-before cobalt eyes. His own outfit had been magically transformed from the usual orange, woven jumpsuit to baggy cargoes and a skintight black wifebeater with an open red shirt blowing in the wind. "You know I always do," he growled back to Sasuke, lifting an eyebrow suggestively.  
  
Up in the stands, everyone sat shocked at the sudden development. Lee, having finally gathered up the courage to shove someone else out of a seat to set his own still-recovering body down, wonderingly said aloud the few words that every fangirl had echoing in their mind. "When did someone claim Sasuke?"

[A/N: Does Sasuke have an 'I'm-so-sexy-smile'? Maybe when he grows up he'll get one...And does it bother no one else that Lee is forced to stand for the whole time he's there? The guy's injured! Is no one intelligent or compassionate enough to offer the poor guy a seat?]  
  
Fin

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-gatogirl1: hope these made you laugh; not sure if these are up to par on funniness. What do you think? Thanks to all my reviewers! I luv you guys! Te quiero! Don't own Naruto. Yet. I'll wait until he's about 6 years older...or at least until his voice changes. Also...has anyone else noticed in ep. 81? Naruto is looking for his last Ramen coupon; he's down to his boxers, shaking out his clothes and such trying to find it. But the next time the scene flashes to him, he's all, "Oh yeah! I hid the coupon to keep from losing it!" But where did he hide the coupon? [Snickers...] Maybe it's only funny with 5 hours of sleep...but still...[snickers some more, evilly] 


	5. Henge no Jutsu?

[Waving like a movie star to all her reviewers] Luv you all! Te quiero! Te amo! Can't believe some of the great reviews I've got! And I'm so happy you're enjoying this Hmmm...starting to run low on ideas for these. Guess I'll have to watch the eps I've downloaded over again...  
  
Don't want to own Naruto. None of the guys are right. [Too young, too old, too ugly...]  
  
. . .  
  
Claws and Fangs are all relative, right?  
  
. . .

Take 1:

"You will be my will and help me Henge. It'll be a Combo Henge. Now! Something with claws or fangs! Here we go!" With his instruction to Naruto, the giant toad leapt at his waiting foe.  
  
"Wait! Wait a minute!" Gamabunta ignored Naruto's cry and continued rushing headlong towards the sand tanuki. "Something with claws and fangs, claws and fangs..." An image appeared in Naruto's mind.  
  
"Henge no jutsu!"  
  
A huge burst smoke filled the air, shielding the charging pair from sight. Footsteps thundered, shaking the earth with their tremendous weight. A silhouette appeared in the cloud, and then the figure burst into view.  
  
Sasuke and Pakkun stared up at the creature, expressions of horror and amazement written on their faces. "Wha...what's that?" Sasuke wondered aloud.  
  
Pakkun turned to face the genin, resignation now filtering across his face at the sight of the white, blobby figure that now loomed up next to Shukaku. "It's the Stay-Puffed Marshmallow-Man."  
  
-  
  
[Ghostbuster fans, anyone? ]  
  
. . .

Take 5:

Gamabunta glowered at Shukaku as he instructed his orange-clothed subordinate, preparing himself for another frontal attack. "You will be my will and help me Henge. It'll be a Combo Henge. Now! Something with claws or fangs! Here we go!"  
  
"Wait! Wait a minute!" Gamabunta ignored Naruto's cry, as Naruto scrambled desperately through his mind for an image, a memory, SOMETHING that would fit the description. "Something with claws and fangs, claws and fangs..." A light bulb suddenly popped up over Naruto's head.  
  
"Henge no jutsu!"  
  
Smoke obscured the pair from any observing eyes as a burst of chakra was released. Shukaku glared into the fog, tensing as he waited for the oncoming attack. But he wasn't prepared for the figure that burst into view.  
  
Sasuke blanched. Then blushed. Then hid his face in the deep recesses of his outfit's collar.  
  
Standing before Shukaku was a giant Sasuke, dressed in tight leather pants and chains, the one outfit Sasuke kept for only one purpose and one person alone... His lips were curled up in a smirk, revealing the sharp teeth that had triggered the memory in Naruto's apparently-reeeeelly-one-track mind.  
  
No one moved, shock paralyzing them all.  
  
Gamabunta's voice thundering out from Giant Sasuke's mouth broke the silence; the boss toad obviously very amused. "And here I thought it was your 'Sakura-chan' we were fighting for..."  
  
Sasuke gave a muffled growl, burying his face even deeper in embarrassment. At least they were some distance away from the rest of the village...  
  
Mentally, he thanked every kami out there that Sakura wasn't conscious to see this.  
  
. . .  
  
Seems odd that many of my jokes turn into sexual innuendoes...Sorry if that this is one of my shorter ones. I'll write more once inspiration hits. Did you know "blobby" isn't a word?? I say we start a campaign to add it to the dictionary!   
  
-gatogirl1 


	6. What's with the lineup?

Okay, so what is up with this ending??? But after much searching, I have discovered Truth! The meaning of the really corny set-up/the line that all the Konoha kids get into...Oh, I even put in the song words, to help you follow along if you're watching the ending while you read this(if you have two computers- my laptop's acting up on me...) Hey, thanks so much to everyone who's been reviewing (I have over 30 reviews! Me happy!) ! I really appreciate it!  
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Ending #5-or-6-ish? In **"What's with the line-up?"  
**  
by myakarnin (don't feel like being gatogirl1 today...after a bad day at work, i feel like being bratty...and i don't wanna use capitals cuz it's too hard to hit the shift key)  
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_Gaman no renzoku datta ro _

_Kokoro de naite itandaro _

_Jibun de kimeta sono yume dake wa yuzurenaindaro _

_Wakiyaku dakedo _

_Kage no hito dakedo_

_._

Naruto looked up at the fading sun, then sighed, drooping his head. Night was coming and he was still alone.

He'd sat there since the afternoon, but no one had appeared.

It was times like this that were the worst.

When he was sitting alone, looking vulnerable and contemplative...

...and when he couldn't remember the words to that song!!! Curses!! Naruto looked longingly out towards the darkening sky. He'd been sitting there for several hours, and he still couldn't remember the words to that turn Sakura had been singing during an earlier Help-Some-Old-Lady-Find-Her-Glasses-In-A-House-Messier-Than-His-Own mission. He just hated when he couldn't get that stupid tune out of his head...but didn't know the words to sing along. As soon as their mission had been completed (the absentminded old lady's glasses had somehow ended up in the fridge, only to be discovered when Naruto had stuck his head in to sneak a snack), Naruto had darted away, screaming, from Sakura, vowing to kill her if he had to listen to her sing the song one more time. Needless to say, the rest of his team had been rather startled at this turnabout of roles.

And now...the song was firmly lodged somewhere in his cranium. Naruto's head sunk lower as he fell deeper into despair.

.

_Yume to mimuki au toki, oh yeah yeah yeah yeah _

_Manaka ni isasete, shoujiki ni isasete_

_._

"Naruto!"

Naruto jerked out of his slightly depressed train of thoughts, turning to see his two teammates coming across the field to where he sat. Sakura was waving as she jogged over to grin down at him, while Sasuke slowly meandered over at his usual unhurried pace. His face lit up as he realized the other genin teams weren't far behind.

"You...you came!" he managed to get out, surprised to see even the obstinate Hyuuga Neji make his way to one end of the line of genin that was forming. "I didn't think anyone would actually want to come!"

Kiba barked out a short laugh. "Akamaru and I wouldn't miss this!"

Hinata blushed a bit, standing as far away from Naruto as she could, but all the while watching him from the corner of her eye. 'I'll try anything you do, Naruto-kun.'

Shikamaru sighed, rolling his eyes upwards as if asking for heavenly patience. "K'so, this sucks. Ino and Choiji dragged me along- claiming something like our whole team should be here..."

Striking a pose with one fist held out challengingly towards the rising sun and his crutch held in the other, Lee declared, "I need all the training I can get to get myself back into fighting shape..." '...so I can be worthy of Sakura-chan's attention...'

Sasuke just snorted. "I wasn't going to refuse the challenge. I'm just here to continue to prove to you that I'm superior to you in every way."

Everyone stared at the Uchiha heir, not certain if they'd read that second- to-last line correctly.

"Sasuke...snorted?" Ino and Sakura read disbelievingly. "That's just so..."

"Uncool," they finished simultaneously.

Even Tenten looked vaguely disturbed. "I hardly know him, being the lesser, unimportant female character I am," she muttered bitterly under her breath. "No one cares about Tenten. She's just a minor role that needs filling to maintain the pattern of one girl to every two guys on a genin team..."

Now everyone's disturbed looks turned towards the ranting chick.

"...But even a lowly, bit-part actor such as myself can see that the habit of snorting in place of laughter is highly uncool and out of character for Sasuke-kun."

Naruto burst out laughing. "Ha hA! Sasuke's been caught in an awkward situation! What're you going to do now, Sasuke?"

Sasuke just smirked. "Baka. Snorting is acceptable behavior for me...because now that I've done it, it'll immediately catch on and everyone will be doing it. People will submit to the peer pressure; in order to be as cool as me, they'll pick up the snorting-instead-of-laughing behavior."

It was as if a lightbulb clicked on above everybody's heads.

"Oh Sasuke-kun," gushed Sakura. "Your snort is just so cool..."

"I always thought it was perfect for your personality," Ino interrupted. "I never meant that you could ever be less than cool...I was just playing along..."

"Liar!" shrieked Sakura. "Ino-pig! You thought Sasuke was uncool for at least five seconds!"

"Did not!" retorted Ino. "And you, Big-forehead, had the audacity to think he was uncool for at least ten seconds!"

A catfight ensued, but since it was rather commonplace, no one bothered to pay any attention to the two snarling and clawing females. Neji, Shikamaru, and Shino snorted.

"Ouch! All those curves and no brakes," Lee commented sadly.

"Yosh!" Naruto said, a bit disappointed that Sasuke hadn't been completely embarrassed but willing to push on with his plans for the day. "Let's get started!" Reaching for the bag he'd set down on the grass, he held up...

...a bag of cherries.

Sakura and Ino immediately broke away from each other and everyone crowded around Naruto to get their handful. Hinata blushed a bit when Naruto's hand brushed against hers when her handed her a large pile of the plump fruit. He looked at her a little strangely. 'She's still weird...' he thought to himself.

When the fruit had been passed out, everyone stood back in their original lineup.

.

_Ima made nando mo, nantoka akiramezu ni _

_Ima made nando mo, tachiagatte kita janai ka _

_Ima made nando mo, bokura nando mo shinjite _

_Nando mo yume mite, nando mo _

_Ima made nando mo, baka wo mite janai ka _

_Nando mo, hito no kage ni tattekita janai ka _

_Sou, shuyaku da yo _

_Jibun no yume kurai wa ga mama de isasete_

_._

_  
  
_"Ready everyone?" Naruto leaned forward to look up and down the line at his fellow ninja. All he got were nods of assent, everyone's mouths busy with the blood-red fruit. "Alright then!" he spoke around his own mouthful. 

"FIRE!"

Cherry pits went everywhere, crashing into and knocking out the paparazzi that had been standing in front of the kids, hoping for some good shots. Apparently they had underestimated the kids' cherry-spitting abilities. Which, in retrospect, was really dumb of them to do. Especially after all the smutty fanfiction that have been written about these very same characters making good use of their lips; the foolish camera crew should have realized that all of these kids were very talented with their mouths...

"Soooo," Ino interrupted this authoress' digressing to bring the reader's attention back to the story at hand. "Who won?"

Tenten looked resigned. "I know it wasn't me," she said, pointing to her pit that had barely flown a foot or two in front of her. "I don't get nearly enough kissing practice in."

Sakura pointed vaguely to two seeds that were laying exactly next to each other. "Mine over there...and it's further than that Ino-pig's!"

Ino growled at her rival. "No way! Mine is totally a few centimeters in front of yours!" Another catfight ensued.

"I believe mine went the furthest," Shino interrupted over the sounds of the two squalling chicas. Everyone looked greatly disappointed as he pointed out to a pit that had landed at least 30 feet away. But then...it moved?

"That's not a cherry seed!" Kiba shouted furiously. "You cheater! That's one of your bugs!"

Everyone else shuddered. He'd had a bug in his mouth? Eww...none of them would be kissing him any time soon...

Hinata counted the seeds again. "Umm," she quietly tried to get people's attention. "There's only 11 pits...or 10 pits and a bug...out there. Someone's is missing."

The group all recounted the seeds (including Sakura and Ino, who'd finished their catfight with only minimal physical damage to themselves) and looked to see who's was missing.

"Oh yeah," Shikamaru stuck out his tongue and displayed the missing cherry seed. "I decided not to bother with spitting it out. Too much effort."

"So," prodded the slightly disheveled Sakura. "Who won?" Sasuke snorted. ["Oh Sasuke-kun, your snort is so cool!" the two bruised fangirls cried.] "If Shino's bug is disqualified, I am the winner." Smirking, he pointed to his cherry pit.

Naruto scowled. "Curses!"

Sasuke's smirk deepened. "After all, it does make sense. I get the most tongue and mouth action out of anyone in the vast world that is fanfiction."

Contest over, everyone sat down to enjoy the rest of the sunset and fruit, happy just in each other's company. That is...until...

"This is the song that never ends; yes it goes on and on my friend! Some people..."

Naruto jumped in recognition of the hated music, then glared at the pink-haired girl. "Sakura!!!! I just got that tune out of my head!!! Omae o korosu!!!"

.

.

.  
  
Note: Sorry for that last. Just read a great Gundam Wing fic and I couldn't resist. And due to requests, I wrote this one chapter with no Sasuke/Naruto ...even though it's so fun to poke fun at other people's fiction's smuttiness...


	7. Lee's Fight: Take 'em Off!

Lee's kindof a mysterious kid. We know how much he looks up to Gai-sensei, but what about other parenting figures in his life? Or does he have the same messed up past that seems to be mandatory to be a character in this series?? Don't mind me and my ramblings; I'm just curious...  
  
I forget which episode this is. It's somewhere after twenty-five and before sixty-five. Could be anywhere in between...Anywho, this is just a short chapter I found that I'd started long ago. I just tidied it up a bit for posting.  
  
**Lee's Fight: Take 'em off!**

_By myakarnin_

_------  
_  
"But... that's why he can win! Lee! Take them off!"  
  
"But...Gai sensei! That's for when I must protect many precious people, isn't it?"  
  
"Come on! I'll allow it!"  
  
Lee's face suddenly shone with the intensity of his grin. "Okay!" Plopping himself down on the statue's head, he pulled off his leg warmers, revealing to his audience the weights that were hidden there. With "guts" ballast in each hand, he stood and let them to the floor.  
  
The two weights plunged downwards, barely making a noise as they collided with the ground rushing up to meet them, then...bouncing?  
  
Kakashi turned to a rueful-looking Gai. "Styrofoam?"  
  
Gai turned a red face towards his pupil. "You wore the wrong weights today, Lee!"

-------

"But... that's why he can win! Lee! Take it off!"  
  
The entire audience blanched, except for a few choice persons who sported identical looks of confusion and puzzlement. Gai looked around, bewildered, at the strange looks he was getting from Kakashi and all the other jounin. "What?"  
  
Kakashi coughed lightly, before stepping towards his self-proclaimed rival. "Gai, do you really think this is a good idea?" Gai still looked baffled. "I mean, telling your student to 'take it off' here...in front of everybody...Don't you feel that should wait until he's in a more intimate setting? If you're really trying to help him get Sakura's attention, I'll set something up. Just...not here. Who knows how many underage persons could be watching? Think of the lawsuits. Think of the alimony and all the psychological damage."  
  
Now Lee looked confused.  
  
"Um, Gai-sensei...so do I take 'em off or not?" His gaze was switching back and forth between his role model Gai and his latest beloved Sakura-san. Taking it off would surely impress her, wouldn't it? I mean, what girl didn't want a guy that could go in and out, up and down as fast as he could? Finally decided, Lee bent over, reaching for his ankles.  
  
Everyone blanched again.  
  
"Don't do it!" Gaara was the only one who could find his voice. "Please! Leave all your clothing on!" His face looked pleadingly upwards, his normally cold eyes brimming with tears. "I surrender! You win! Just...keep all your clothes on!"  
  
Naruto still looked curious. "I'm confused," he confessed loudly, his words echoing throughout the preliminary stadium. "Take it off?"  
  
Lee's face brightened. "You want to see, Naruto-kun?" Everyone stared in horror at the blonde, then, almost like one of those slow-motion moments where everyone shouts, "NO!" in that slow motion and really low-pitched fashion, they all rushed to cover his mouth and prevent him from answering.  
  
Alas, but they were too late.  
  
"Yeah!"  
  
Lee turned on his sparkle smile for a moment, giving his trademark-stolen- from-Gai-sensai pose. "YOSH!" And to the crowd's great horror, he whipped off his forest green, streamlined for speed, spandex training suit.  
  
And posed.  
  
All stared in various degrees of mental instability at Lee, now decked out in his white bellbottoms, flared silk shirt, and various bling bling. And then he began to disco.  
  
"Sakura-san had a purty face; a ponytail hangin' down; a wiggle and a walkin'; a singin' and a talkin'..."  
  
More screams of horror as one by one the onlookers passed out from the noise that would never represent music. Naruto and Gai-sensai began tapping their feet and humming along with the music.  
  
But of all the screams, Gaara's were by far the loudest and blood curling. His sand couldn't take it any longer. It shot through the air towards the unsuspecting Elvis impersonator and quickly buried him under several feet of sand. The noise, the sounds only a mother would call singing without wincing, stopped.  
  
Hatake's sickly eyes looked happier than they'd looked in years. "I pronounce Gaara the winner of this round!"  
  
The crowd broke out in cheers.

----

Heh heh. Sexual innuendo will always be fun. Even if it's not between Sasuke and Naruto. I mean, COME ON!! Tell me that something similar to my latter scenario didn't flash through your mind when Gai-sensai yells out "Take 'em off!"  
  
Those of you that admit it, I proud of you and your twisted minds. And anyone who's denying it is really lying.   
  
Question of the day: Which do you prefer? Blond or Blonde?


	8. In the words best spoken by Simon Birch

I'm back!

Episode 93: In the words best spoken by Simon Birch...

----

"Ah!" Tsunande gasped. She fell to the ground, one leg useless and a hand clutching her arm. Her face hardened as she glared up at her opponent. 'He got my muscles.'

Kabuto grinned fearlessly at her, certain he had the upper hand. "I cut your bicep and rectus femoris," he couldn't help but gloat. Bragging to the fallen other was always a distinct pleasure of his-opening his enemies' eyes to their failure. Victory was near when the competition realized their own incompetence. There was something about the look in their eyes that thrilled him- them knowing they were weaker and doomed...and yet refusing to give up the fight. Passion for the battle, hatred for their own failure and inevitable fate- the three spiraling together in a seductive dance urged him on to greater heights.

"Why do you not go for my artery?" Tsunande's face was a banquet to his senses. Stoic mask cut away, her anger and will to battle

It would only make the task of breaking them- finally dominating and controlling that person- that much sweeter. When sharp pain twisted their passion into hopelessness and defeat.

"It's true that with this scalpel I can cut blood vessels and muscles without marring the surface." Kabuto acknowledged with a smirk, tilting his face down so that the glare of his glasses hid his eyes from view. "But during battle, even I cannot create a scalpel that is long and fine enough to reach the artery and heart."

One hand came up to push the glasses back, revealing his cunning, glinting black gaze. "Then again, there is no problem if I go for...something _more_ important."

With that declaration he darted forward again, his hand glowing with chakra that spiked off his fingertips. He drew close to his prey. His eyes shining with excitement as a spark of defeat flashing in the downed woman's face. Licking his lips hungrily, he reached out, intent on the kill.

"BOOBS!"

"AAAAAaaH!" Tsunande shrieked at the violation. "HENTAI!"

----

Never heard this quote before? "Simon Birch" is a great movie(be prepared to laugh and cry), which I do not own. También no tengo Naruto.

By the way, did anyone notice how loud Kabuto-san chomps?!? I mean, come on! He's this amazing medical ninja, he survives the most terrible damage, he's a superior spy...and he chomps!? A little reality here! His missions probably always fail because his position is given away by his loud chomping! Or why he never gets dates...the girls can't stand how he eats!


End file.
